Monday, July 27, 2009

How come I only remember my dreams when they're fucked up?

I just had a dream that I killed myself. Although it wasn't in a suicide sort of way.

I started off as myself. In the dream I don't recall having a reason to kill myself, but I somehow decided that shooting myself in the head sounded like a good idea. I shot myself twice in the head and vividly remember still being quite conscious after the first shot. The second one killed me instantly though. Yet, the moment I was dead I stepped out of my body. I don't know if I was supposed to be a ghost or what the fuck it was, but I walked right out into the living room and told my mom I had killed myself. I realized immediately that I had made a big mistake because I was very upset about it.

Somehow a shift was made in my dream from me being the victim to being the murderer. My mom was talking to me calmly about how I needed to make it look like the girl I killed had committed suicide. (Dreams don't usually make sense...I know this part definitely doesn't.) For some god awful reason I took 3 pictures of the dead body, which was lying in the bathroom. Two were of the body itself, which was naked and the third was a close-up of the face.

At this point in time I wasn't feeling that the dead person was me. I was feeling the I was still alive and needed to figure out how to cover up a murder. Apparently the girl I had killed was in the military because we decided to make it look like she had killed herself b/c of that. It's very difficult to put clothes on a dead body, but I managed to put her in her uniform before the cops showed up. I don't know if they were called or the shots had been heard, they were just there all of the sudden.

Apparently, in my dream, I had a 35mm camera. I think this is the case because I was unable to delete the pictures I had taken and this was what I though was going to incriminate me. I ended up hiding the camera behind the house on a strange hill somewhere.

Details in this part become a little unclear. I know that I wasn't immediately a suspect because I was allowed to drive somewhere, but had to come right back. When I came back there were police looking around where I had hidden the camera, but somehow they hadn't actually found it yet.

Eventually I think I went back and got the camera myself, although it was supposed to be the next day by the time I did. I think I went back so that I could properly dispose of it, but I had to hurry to some meeting where one of the girls that was working on the case saw me with it. I could tell that she knew I was trying to hide it, but she starting asking me about it as though I had just come to bring them this important piece of evidence I'd found. Obviously, I had to pretend that was the case as well, so I let her look at the camera. She pulled the film out and was able to see the pictures off of it. Somehow the police had taken all their photo evidence of the body on my camera as well so I was hoping that nobody wold realize some of the pictures had been taken by me before the cops showed up.

Most of the dream during these parts was concentrated on how upset I was becoming over the whole thing. I wanted to get away with it, but I already regretted killing somebody. I was starting to think that if I already was bothered by the fact that I had murdered someone that I might not be able to live with myself if I actually managed to get away with it. For some reason I sat around and moped in police presence. Maybe I was trying to convince them I was grieving.

The fucked up part is that when I finally saw the police looking through the pictures they were of me. Not only that, but I had made the conscious decision when I was about to shoot myself in the head that I needed to smile while doing it. So the pictures of me barely looked like I was dead at all, considering I've never seen a dead body smiling before. I looked as though I had been about to take a picture of myself, not shoot myself. (This is a little weird too, because I have previously analogies in my head between shooting photography and shooting a gun. Maybe this is why I shoot pictures the body? They could have represented me shooting it. Idk.)

I think I woke up after this, as there doesn't seem to be any conclusion. I'm surprised I remembered this much. Dreams are usually gone for me the moment I become conscious.

Fucking weird.