Me & my pets

I put up a note on facebook today about getting rid of some of my pets, since we can't move them all. I know logically that they can't come. I've been planning to get rid of them. I had just been putting it off b/c it didn't seem like something I should do so soon and now that I'm finally doing it I've realized how unhappy I am about it.

Damn my incessant attachment!

It sucks. I wish my mom would have taken Chives. Then I could at least get updates on him, know he's ok and see him when we come to visit. I'm trying to really hard to not give any of them to strangers, but that doesn't always mean I'll have the opportunity to check up on them.

I know I'm being silly, but, eh.... it happens. I know that eventually they will die and I would be just as upset then.

I love animals way too much. I have stated numerous times, in all seriousness, that I would open a wildlife reserve if it was within my means.

In other animal news, I got to play vet today when I gave my 3 foot long lizard an enema. Very uhm.......interesting. Not what I'd like to do all day, lol. Truthfully though, the worst part was that I was afraid of hurting her.

Going it alone.

No one is moving with us. At first I thought it was kind of a shame, but now I'm glad for it.

Roger and I both thought we were doing something nice by offering the chance to our friends. And yeah, Mike probably needs a new start more than anyone. For Kyle it would have been an opportunity, but he will have more. The thing is that we're both so happy to be able to leave and make a real life for ourselves that I think it is hard to see that our friends aren't ready to do that yet.

But it's ok. I, for one, need to learn to live my life for myself. I need to take this time to do whatever it is that makes me happy and not worry about everyone else. (Well, I still worry about my boyfriend, but he's part of what makes me happy so that's allowed.)

I have an apartment to get, a move to plan and a life to live. And I'm incredibly happy for it. I don't care what hardship there may be involved. Moving is stressful and I stress easily, but I'll get through it. The cross-country drive is going to suck like a mother-fucker. But what is 3 or 4 days of discomfort in comparison to years of happiness??

Yeah, leaving my family is going to hurt. I love them dearly. They're pretty fucking crazy, though not in the harmful way, lol. So they often make me feel a little more centered. I worry about my siblings and how they're going to do getting through high school and such.

But I worry too much. I know I do. I can't watch over everything, for everyone. People need to cope with the hardships of life or they won't learn. I tried just telling my brother all the stuff I learned to deal with in high school, but quickly discovered that it's not just something you can be told, especially as a kid.

Yes, I worry. But I can only hope for the best and take care of myself.

Crunch time

I'm hoping to fill much of the remaining time with moving preparations.

Alot has happened and there's still alot to do. Mike is no longer coming with us. Truthfully I was worried about many of the implications of bringing him with us, but was trying to overcome them. He didn't really have the money, but he was working on it....or at least had said that he was. I really can never be quite sure. He still had issues with paying off his truck and wasn't quite sure that it would be 100% reliable if we were using it to move everything.

Well, whatever. There were a lot of complications, but if Mike decided he can't go that's all there is to it. The fucked up part is that he never told us, technically he still hasn't told us. I asked his girlfriend about his plans (in what I intended to be a casual manner) only to find out that they weren't quite what we had been told. I feel kind of bad now that she had to tell me when I know she didn't want to get in the middle of things, but I'm grateful that she did. I had been trying to discuss things with Mike for the last 2 weeks (at least) and he had been continually blowing me off. At first I attributed this to him wanting to spend time with his girlfriend, which I gladly gave him space to do, but then he continued to ignore me even when he wasn't busy and she was at work. I was trying not to barge in on his "couple time", but he immediately stopped responding to me once I mentioned anything about getting together or talking at all. I thought it was rude, but not entirely out of character for Mike.

So, after having spoken with his girlfriend I talked to Roger. It was apparent that Mike was ignoring us b/c he wanted to think of some excuse for why he couldn't come. I even suggested that maybe Roger just tell him has was no longer welcome; that would alleviate his stress over coming up with some bullshit reason. Roger decided to talk to him about the whole thing. It should have been easier since he didn't have to break it to us himself. Roger called him: no response. He texted him: no response. Left a message: no response. Numerous attempts at all of this, and nothing. So Roger calls his mom, in a well-deserved low blow, to find out what was going on. She confirmed what we already knew; Mike no longer wanted to come, but was being too much of a pussy to just tell us. Then Roger talked to Josh. Even Josh knew what was going on! To me that in itself is just a slap in the face.

Now that we knew everything and still hadn't talked to Mike Roger kind of started to send him some defamatory text messages. A little below the belt, but nothing he didn't deserve. When Mike finally decided he would do us the honor of responding, he still denied the allegations. Ouch.

So, whatever. After some back and forth Roger eventually texted him and said that we needed a decision and didn't care what it was. No response.

So, we extended the invitation to Kyle. We had kind of mentioned it to him before, but seeing as how we already had a full house the offer hadn't been a big thing. I feel bad throwing it on him all of the sudden, but we do need to know what's going on ASAP. I know he doesn't want to burden us by coming along without a job lined up, but I also know that it's difficult to secure a job from across the country, especially if you have to tell any potential employers that you aren't going to be available for another 2 months. Yeah, it's a tough situation, but he's supposed to try to sort things out by the end of this week or so. Hopefully we can solidify some things by then. No pressure..... lol.

I'm going to have to figure out my apartment situation in the next 2 weeks or so - MAX. The really big ordeal now is going to be figuring out the physical move itself, without Mike and his truck coming with us. I'm going to have to crunch some numbers and see what I can come up with. Also, we actually have to apply for an apartment.... *sigh* Most of the info I've read says that they require credit checks as well as proof of income. Well, I have the decent credit and Roger has the good job. So I'm not exactly sure how we're going to get through the application process.

On top of all this I've put my GRE studies on the back burner, which I'm not happy to admit. I really need to get things on track. I've been working way more than I need or want to and it's been taking it's toll. My little mini-vacation here has been amazing and definitely helpful in clearing my mind, but in a few short days it's back to the grind. The only relief is the approaching deadlines, as well as my approaching end of my current employment. I'm not exactly sure why deadlines are relief to me, I'm just more comfortable working to deadlines than anything else. Long live procrastination.

A brief glimpse of bliss

This week has been most joyous. :)

I'm in Mew Mexico. I arrived on Wednesday and Roger graduated on Thursday. I got to spend all of the 3-day, holiday weekend with him and couldn't be happier.

I won't be leaving until early Wednesday morning, however he has classes all day tomorrow. I'll see him tomorrow evening and then will have to say goodbye once again. I'm incredibly happy that I've been able to see him and spend time with him. It just sucks that once I leave I'm not going to see him for another 2 months. I know everything will be fine, but it doesn't mean I like it. Despite missing him all the time I had kind of grown accustomed to his pseudo-perpetual absence. Now my detachment must begin anew. *sigh*

OCD #3

Public restrooms.

Now, it would be considered normal if I refused to use public restrooms, a lot of people have a problem with them. But I'm not paranoid that they're full or germs, nor am I going to refuse to actually sit on the toilet in an effort to perfect hover pissing. I'm just weird.

In a public restroom I have conflicting interests. First, I have to go into a bathroom that at least appears to be relatively sanitary. I'm not delusional about my options, I just can't have shit (literally or figuratively) all over the place in my stall. However, this need is often complicated by my strange desire to go into the least lit stall. I think it has something to do with the fact that bathrooms are often lit far too brightly, in an initial attempt to make them appear cleaner, and I seek to avoid this brightness. However, it makes it difficult for me to accurately assess the cleanliness of a stall when there is less light. Thus, my dilemma.

This concludes today's episode of me writing about inane shit that nobody ever wanted to know. :)

How come I only remember my dreams when they're fucked up?

I just had a dream that I killed myself. Although it wasn't in a suicide sort of way.

I started off as myself. In the dream I don't recall having a reason to kill myself, but I somehow decided that shooting myself in the head sounded like a good idea. I shot myself twice in the head and vividly remember still being quite conscious after the first shot. The second one killed me instantly though. Yet, the moment I was dead I stepped out of my body. I don't know if I was supposed to be a ghost or what the fuck it was, but I walked right out into the living room and told my mom I had killed myself. I realized immediately that I had made a big mistake because I was very upset about it.

Somehow a shift was made in my dream from me being the victim to being the murderer. My mom was talking to me calmly about how I needed to make it look like the girl I killed had committed suicide. (Dreams don't usually make sense...I know this part definitely doesn't.) For some god awful reason I took 3 pictures of the dead body, which was lying in the bathroom. Two were of the body itself, which was naked and the third was a close-up of the face.

At this point in time I wasn't feeling that the dead person was me. I was feeling the I was still alive and needed to figure out how to cover up a murder. Apparently the girl I had killed was in the military because we decided to make it look like she had killed herself b/c of that. It's very difficult to put clothes on a dead body, but I managed to put her in her uniform before the cops showed up. I don't know if they were called or the shots had been heard, they were just there all of the sudden.

Apparently, in my dream, I had a 35mm camera. I think this is the case because I was unable to delete the pictures I had taken and this was what I though was going to incriminate me. I ended up hiding the camera behind the house on a strange hill somewhere.

Details in this part become a little unclear. I know that I wasn't immediately a suspect because I was allowed to drive somewhere, but had to come right back. When I came back there were police looking around where I had hidden the camera, but somehow they hadn't actually found it yet.

Eventually I think I went back and got the camera myself, although it was supposed to be the next day by the time I did. I think I went back so that I could properly dispose of it, but I had to hurry to some meeting where one of the girls that was working on the case saw me with it. I could tell that she knew I was trying to hide it, but she starting asking me about it as though I had just come to bring them this important piece of evidence I'd found. Obviously, I had to pretend that was the case as well, so I let her look at the camera. She pulled the film out and was able to see the pictures off of it. Somehow the police had taken all their photo evidence of the body on my camera as well so I was hoping that nobody wold realize some of the pictures had been taken by me before the cops showed up.

Most of the dream during these parts was concentrated on how upset I was becoming over the whole thing. I wanted to get away with it, but I already regretted killing somebody. I was starting to think that if I already was bothered by the fact that I had murdered someone that I might not be able to live with myself if I actually managed to get away with it. For some reason I sat around and moped in police presence. Maybe I was trying to convince them I was grieving.

The fucked up part is that when I finally saw the police looking through the pictures they were of me. Not only that, but I had made the conscious decision when I was about to shoot myself in the head that I needed to smile while doing it. So the pictures of me barely looked like I was dead at all, considering I've never seen a dead body smiling before. I looked as though I had been about to take a picture of myself, not shoot myself. (This is a little weird too, because I have previously analogies in my head between shooting photography and shooting a gun. Maybe this is why I shoot pictures the body? They could have represented me shooting it. Idk.)

I think I woke up after this, as there doesn't seem to be any conclusion. I'm surprised I remembered this much. Dreams are usually gone for me the moment I become conscious.

Fucking weird.

Howdy Motherfuckers

Also, when I move to California I'm going to wear cowboy boots and skirts. No questions asked. End of story.