Public restrooms.
Now, it would be considered normal if I refused to use public restrooms, a lot of people have a problem with them. But I'm not paranoid that they're full or germs, nor am I going to refuse to actually sit on the toilet in an effort to perfect hover pissing. I'm just weird.
In a public restroom I have conflicting interests. First, I have to go into a bathroom that at least appears to be relatively sanitary. I'm not delusional about my options, I just can't have shit (literally or figuratively) all over the place in my stall. However, this need is often complicated by my strange desire to go into the least lit stall. I think it has something to do with the fact that bathrooms are often lit far too brightly, in an initial attempt to make them appear cleaner, and I seek to avoid this brightness. However, it makes it difficult for me to accurately assess the cleanliness of a stall when there is less light. Thus, my dilemma.
This concludes today's episode of me writing about inane shit that nobody ever wanted to know. :)
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
Monday, July 27, 2009
How come I only remember my dreams when they're fucked up?
I just had a dream that I killed myself. Although it wasn't in a suicide sort of way.
I started off as myself. In the dream I don't recall having a reason to kill myself, but I somehow decided that shooting myself in the head sounded like a good idea. I shot myself twice in the head and vividly remember still being quite conscious after the first shot. The second one killed me instantly though. Yet, the moment I was dead I stepped out of my body. I don't know if I was supposed to be a ghost or what the fuck it was, but I walked right out into the living room and told my mom I had killed myself. I realized immediately that I had made a big mistake because I was very upset about it.
Somehow a shift was made in my dream from me being the victim to being the murderer. My mom was talking to me calmly about how I needed to make it look like the girl I killed had committed suicide. (Dreams don't usually make sense...I know this part definitely doesn't.) For some god awful reason I took 3 pictures of the dead body, which was lying in the bathroom. Two were of the body itself, which was naked and the third was a close-up of the face.
At this point in time I wasn't feeling that the dead person was me. I was feeling the I was still alive and needed to figure out how to cover up a murder. Apparently the girl I had killed was in the military because we decided to make it look like she had killed herself b/c of that. It's very difficult to put clothes on a dead body, but I managed to put her in her uniform before the cops showed up. I don't know if they were called or the shots had been heard, they were just there all of the sudden.
Apparently, in my dream, I had a 35mm camera. I think this is the case because I was unable to delete the pictures I had taken and this was what I though was going to incriminate me. I ended up hiding the camera behind the house on a strange hill somewhere.
Details in this part become a little unclear. I know that I wasn't immediately a suspect because I was allowed to drive somewhere, but had to come right back. When I came back there were police looking around where I had hidden the camera, but somehow they hadn't actually found it yet.
Eventually I think I went back and got the camera myself, although it was supposed to be the next day by the time I did. I think I went back so that I could properly dispose of it, but I had to hurry to some meeting where one of the girls that was working on the case saw me with it. I could tell that she knew I was trying to hide it, but she starting asking me about it as though I had just come to bring them this important piece of evidence I'd found. Obviously, I had to pretend that was the case as well, so I let her look at the camera. She pulled the film out and was able to see the pictures off of it. Somehow the police had taken all their photo evidence of the body on my camera as well so I was hoping that nobody wold realize some of the pictures had been taken by me before the cops showed up.
Most of the dream during these parts was concentrated on how upset I was becoming over the whole thing. I wanted to get away with it, but I already regretted killing somebody. I was starting to think that if I already was bothered by the fact that I had murdered someone that I might not be able to live with myself if I actually managed to get away with it. For some reason I sat around and moped in police presence. Maybe I was trying to convince them I was grieving.
The fucked up part is that when I finally saw the police looking through the pictures they were of me. Not only that, but I had made the conscious decision when I was about to shoot myself in the head that I needed to smile while doing it. So the pictures of me barely looked like I was dead at all, considering I've never seen a dead body smiling before. I looked as though I had been about to take a picture of myself, not shoot myself. (This is a little weird too, because I have previously analogies in my head between shooting photography and shooting a gun. Maybe this is why I shoot pictures the body? They could have represented me shooting it. Idk.)
I think I woke up after this, as there doesn't seem to be any conclusion. I'm surprised I remembered this much. Dreams are usually gone for me the moment I become conscious.
Fucking weird.
I started off as myself. In the dream I don't recall having a reason to kill myself, but I somehow decided that shooting myself in the head sounded like a good idea. I shot myself twice in the head and vividly remember still being quite conscious after the first shot. The second one killed me instantly though. Yet, the moment I was dead I stepped out of my body. I don't know if I was supposed to be a ghost or what the fuck it was, but I walked right out into the living room and told my mom I had killed myself. I realized immediately that I had made a big mistake because I was very upset about it.
Somehow a shift was made in my dream from me being the victim to being the murderer. My mom was talking to me calmly about how I needed to make it look like the girl I killed had committed suicide. (Dreams don't usually make sense...I know this part definitely doesn't.) For some god awful reason I took 3 pictures of the dead body, which was lying in the bathroom. Two were of the body itself, which was naked and the third was a close-up of the face.
At this point in time I wasn't feeling that the dead person was me. I was feeling the I was still alive and needed to figure out how to cover up a murder. Apparently the girl I had killed was in the military because we decided to make it look like she had killed herself b/c of that. It's very difficult to put clothes on a dead body, but I managed to put her in her uniform before the cops showed up. I don't know if they were called or the shots had been heard, they were just there all of the sudden.
Apparently, in my dream, I had a 35mm camera. I think this is the case because I was unable to delete the pictures I had taken and this was what I though was going to incriminate me. I ended up hiding the camera behind the house on a strange hill somewhere.
Details in this part become a little unclear. I know that I wasn't immediately a suspect because I was allowed to drive somewhere, but had to come right back. When I came back there were police looking around where I had hidden the camera, but somehow they hadn't actually found it yet.
Eventually I think I went back and got the camera myself, although it was supposed to be the next day by the time I did. I think I went back so that I could properly dispose of it, but I had to hurry to some meeting where one of the girls that was working on the case saw me with it. I could tell that she knew I was trying to hide it, but she starting asking me about it as though I had just come to bring them this important piece of evidence I'd found. Obviously, I had to pretend that was the case as well, so I let her look at the camera. She pulled the film out and was able to see the pictures off of it. Somehow the police had taken all their photo evidence of the body on my camera as well so I was hoping that nobody wold realize some of the pictures had been taken by me before the cops showed up.
Most of the dream during these parts was concentrated on how upset I was becoming over the whole thing. I wanted to get away with it, but I already regretted killing somebody. I was starting to think that if I already was bothered by the fact that I had murdered someone that I might not be able to live with myself if I actually managed to get away with it. For some reason I sat around and moped in police presence. Maybe I was trying to convince them I was grieving.
The fucked up part is that when I finally saw the police looking through the pictures they were of me. Not only that, but I had made the conscious decision when I was about to shoot myself in the head that I needed to smile while doing it. So the pictures of me barely looked like I was dead at all, considering I've never seen a dead body smiling before. I looked as though I had been about to take a picture of myself, not shoot myself. (This is a little weird too, because I have previously analogies in my head between shooting photography and shooting a gun. Maybe this is why I shoot pictures the body? They could have represented me shooting it. Idk.)
I think I woke up after this, as there doesn't seem to be any conclusion. I'm surprised I remembered this much. Dreams are usually gone for me the moment I become conscious.
Fucking weird.
Monday, June 29, 2009
Howdy Motherfuckers
Also, when I move to California I'm going to wear cowboy boots and skirts. No questions asked. End of story.
Anti-Steeler "Nation"
I swear if I move ALL the fucking way to California and people there STILL like the Pittsburgh Steelers I'm going to vomit on some skank's $1,000 stilettos.
Friday, June 26, 2009
Zzzzzzzz.....
I have been so tired lately. I have no idea why. I what to get up and do things and get out of the house, but I've been so tired. I've been sleeping in when I can, but I think work + going to the gym as much as possible + not having any caffeine is REALLY starting to take it's toll on me.
OMFG.
OMFG.
Tentativity!
While I'm anxious to go it seems I have a lot of planning to do. Some things can't be done yet, but some I feel I might be behind on....
As of now it looks like Roger is going to be to take a flight directly from Artesia to Erie after his training. This is providing his request for leave to move is granted, but there isn't any real reason it shouldn't be. By my count he should be ending training on October 30th. They told him he can either pay for his own flight to leave, or wait 1 extra day and get a free flight. I'm not sure what days those are though, like if it will be that weekend, immediately following the end of class or not. I don't see why they would want to keep them there any longer, unless it has something to do with getting cheaper flights on a weekday (it is the gov't, we know they're cheap). If he goes with the free flight option not only is his flight free, but his leave time doesn't start ticking until the day after his flight/"travel day". So, technically he gets a free day and a free flight by taking that route. A+ in my book.
He should be getting about 10 days to move. If we know what day he is going to be coming back on we could technically have already gotten a trailer and have pretty much everything packed when he gets here. That mostly depends on necessity, whether or not he wants to stay and visit a bit and how long we are estimating our trip will take.
Mike needs to make sure that his truck is capable of making a drive to California. I know he mentioned a little bit of worry about that and having the vehicle that is towing all of our belongings break down during our move is simply not an acceptable possibility. Mike also has to finish paying off his truck and his fines and somehow have money left to help pay for the move and help me put a down payment on an apartment. :-/
Speaking of apartments, I need to have one secured at least 2 months in advance. Which means that I should already know where we're going to be living by the beginning of September. Eek gads. It's too early to start looking now, but I don't know what exactly I should do. :(
Roger's graduation is also in the beginning of September. He actually graduates before going through the Spanish portion of the academy, I guess they're considered completely separate things. People who have already demonstrated fluency in Spanish do not have the stay the additional 2 months. Not only did he want me to come down to see him, I want to go down to see him and he'd like me to come to his graduation. That puts me in New Mexico around Sept.2nd. Not sure how that is going to work yet. Once again, it's a little too early to look for tickets. Although I have learned that car rentals are ridiculous. I'm not sure how this is going to work at all.
As far as the actual move goes, once we find out about Mike's truck, I need to determine what size trailer we need versus what size trailer Mike's truck is able to hold. If neither of those things coincide, or if Mike's truck isn't going to be making the trip, then I will most likely have to start looking into how much it is to have some of those fancy moving guys come move the big stuff for us. I might also be able to have some things shipped, depending on which is cheaper. I expect neither shall be. But, then again, neither would hauling a u-haul + gas.
Oh. And I haven't even gotten to the best part yet. I have this idea in my head that I'm going to grad school. In fact, this idea is so tightly lodged in my head that I don't know what I will be doing with myself if this doesn't end up happening. I need to know whether or not I'm going, b/c if I am it would only make sense for me to get an apartment somewhere in between campus and Roger's station.
I haven't even started studying for my GRE yet. I haven't registered to take it. I haven't contacted the department for the school I plan to apply with. I made the first step today: I purchased a GRE study guide. The smallest, cheapest GRE study guide that is likely in existence. Mostly because I'm not sure whether or not I'll need it. I'm not a genius. But I'm not dumb. I know that studying has never really worked for me. If the knowledge isn't in my head then it's not going to be implanted in there by simple means, for the sake of one test. I'm going to do some practice tests and see what areas I may be lacking in. If there is anything terrible then I will concentrate on it. If not, I need to register to take the test. But first I have to find out how to get my fee waived, and it looks like I have to go through the financial aid office at Behrend for that. I'll have to contact them, b/c the information on the GRE website isn't very helpful. I just know that I don't have $150 to shell out for a computerized test. If that's not a scam I don't know what is. But when you have a monopoly you can charge whatever you fucking want.
So, GRE and Grad school application process really need to get underway. I've been wasting time worrying about money and maybe getting a second job, when what I probably should be doing is walling myself up in my room and scamming my ass off. I've look at UCSD's stats. My GPA alone certainly isn't going to get my in. I need something substantial to back me up, otherwise I don't stand a chance. I didn't initially realize how selective and prestigious that university is. I wasn't looking for selective. I really don't care. But to the best of my knowledge, it's the only school in the area with a program for my study area and therefore I'm stuck busting my ass. I certainly never busted my ass to get into college. And I can only recall some moments of working hard while being in college. For a lifetime slacker, I've sure got my work cut out for me.
As of now it looks like Roger is going to be to take a flight directly from Artesia to Erie after his training. This is providing his request for leave to move is granted, but there isn't any real reason it shouldn't be. By my count he should be ending training on October 30th. They told him he can either pay for his own flight to leave, or wait 1 extra day and get a free flight. I'm not sure what days those are though, like if it will be that weekend, immediately following the end of class or not. I don't see why they would want to keep them there any longer, unless it has something to do with getting cheaper flights on a weekday (it is the gov't, we know they're cheap). If he goes with the free flight option not only is his flight free, but his leave time doesn't start ticking until the day after his flight/"travel day". So, technically he gets a free day and a free flight by taking that route. A+ in my book.
He should be getting about 10 days to move. If we know what day he is going to be coming back on we could technically have already gotten a trailer and have pretty much everything packed when he gets here. That mostly depends on necessity, whether or not he wants to stay and visit a bit and how long we are estimating our trip will take.
Mike needs to make sure that his truck is capable of making a drive to California. I know he mentioned a little bit of worry about that and having the vehicle that is towing all of our belongings break down during our move is simply not an acceptable possibility. Mike also has to finish paying off his truck and his fines and somehow have money left to help pay for the move and help me put a down payment on an apartment. :-/
Speaking of apartments, I need to have one secured at least 2 months in advance. Which means that I should already know where we're going to be living by the beginning of September. Eek gads. It's too early to start looking now, but I don't know what exactly I should do. :(
Roger's graduation is also in the beginning of September. He actually graduates before going through the Spanish portion of the academy, I guess they're considered completely separate things. People who have already demonstrated fluency in Spanish do not have the stay the additional 2 months. Not only did he want me to come down to see him, I want to go down to see him and he'd like me to come to his graduation. That puts me in New Mexico around Sept.2nd. Not sure how that is going to work yet. Once again, it's a little too early to look for tickets. Although I have learned that car rentals are ridiculous. I'm not sure how this is going to work at all.
As far as the actual move goes, once we find out about Mike's truck, I need to determine what size trailer we need versus what size trailer Mike's truck is able to hold. If neither of those things coincide, or if Mike's truck isn't going to be making the trip, then I will most likely have to start looking into how much it is to have some of those fancy moving guys come move the big stuff for us. I might also be able to have some things shipped, depending on which is cheaper. I expect neither shall be. But, then again, neither would hauling a u-haul + gas.
Oh. And I haven't even gotten to the best part yet. I have this idea in my head that I'm going to grad school. In fact, this idea is so tightly lodged in my head that I don't know what I will be doing with myself if this doesn't end up happening. I need to know whether or not I'm going, b/c if I am it would only make sense for me to get an apartment somewhere in between campus and Roger's station.
I haven't even started studying for my GRE yet. I haven't registered to take it. I haven't contacted the department for the school I plan to apply with. I made the first step today: I purchased a GRE study guide. The smallest, cheapest GRE study guide that is likely in existence. Mostly because I'm not sure whether or not I'll need it. I'm not a genius. But I'm not dumb. I know that studying has never really worked for me. If the knowledge isn't in my head then it's not going to be implanted in there by simple means, for the sake of one test. I'm going to do some practice tests and see what areas I may be lacking in. If there is anything terrible then I will concentrate on it. If not, I need to register to take the test. But first I have to find out how to get my fee waived, and it looks like I have to go through the financial aid office at Behrend for that. I'll have to contact them, b/c the information on the GRE website isn't very helpful. I just know that I don't have $150 to shell out for a computerized test. If that's not a scam I don't know what is. But when you have a monopoly you can charge whatever you fucking want.
So, GRE and Grad school application process really need to get underway. I've been wasting time worrying about money and maybe getting a second job, when what I probably should be doing is walling myself up in my room and scamming my ass off. I've look at UCSD's stats. My GPA alone certainly isn't going to get my in. I need something substantial to back me up, otherwise I don't stand a chance. I didn't initially realize how selective and prestigious that university is. I wasn't looking for selective. I really don't care. But to the best of my knowledge, it's the only school in the area with a program for my study area and therefore I'm stuck busting my ass. I certainly never busted my ass to get into college. And I can only recall some moments of working hard while being in college. For a lifetime slacker, I've sure got my work cut out for me.
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
OCD....
It's possible I may be a little OCD. I never noticed it myself, but it has been brought up on a few occasions and it is being drawn more to my attention lately. The problem is that I can never remember the compulsive things I do, even when they are brought to my attention. So I'm going to begin writing them down....or typing them out as it would be.
Compulsion #1: Tapping
This is something I've been doing since highschool, probably earlier. I tap on things. Mostly with my fingers/nails, but always in rhythm. This goes beyond the normal tapping-along-on-the-steering-wheel-in-the-car (though I'm quite skilled at that as well). If my hands are occupied for some reason I tap with my feet. In high school I did this so much during Chemistry class that I actually taught myself to tap different rhythms, simultaneously, with each foot. At work, I must tap on things as I walk past them; boxes, stands, counters, displays - whatever is within reach. I often even try to tap a rhythm on succesive items as I'm walking past them. If the turn signal in my car is on while I'm waiting at a light, I even have to tap a filler rhythm to work into the steady sound of the blinker. I almost never sit still without tapping on something, most often a desk. If I'm sitting at the computer it isn't as bad, b/c I' generally typing. However, if I have my hands on the keyboard, b/c I'm attempting to think of what I'm trying to write I will tap on the keys in rapid patterns. Though it isn't my intent, people often look when I'm doing this b/c it sounds as though I am typing at lightning speed. Yeah....it's bad.
Compulsion #2: Shaving
This one isn't nearly as big, but I was talking to my mom about it today and she brought up how odd it was. I hate shaving my legs. It's just annoying and time-consuming. However, I have an even greater despise for feeling my legs when they are stubbly. If I have gone more than a few days without shaving, and my legs brush together in bed, I CANNOT sleep. I either must put on full length PJ pants or immediately get up and shave my legs. It drives me insane.
That's it for now, since those are the ones that were discussed today. I know there are many more. I'll attempt to document them as my come to my attention.
Compulsion #1: Tapping
This is something I've been doing since highschool, probably earlier. I tap on things. Mostly with my fingers/nails, but always in rhythm. This goes beyond the normal tapping-along-on-the-steering-wheel-in-the-car (though I'm quite skilled at that as well). If my hands are occupied for some reason I tap with my feet. In high school I did this so much during Chemistry class that I actually taught myself to tap different rhythms, simultaneously, with each foot. At work, I must tap on things as I walk past them; boxes, stands, counters, displays - whatever is within reach. I often even try to tap a rhythm on succesive items as I'm walking past them. If the turn signal in my car is on while I'm waiting at a light, I even have to tap a filler rhythm to work into the steady sound of the blinker. I almost never sit still without tapping on something, most often a desk. If I'm sitting at the computer it isn't as bad, b/c I' generally typing. However, if I have my hands on the keyboard, b/c I'm attempting to think of what I'm trying to write I will tap on the keys in rapid patterns. Though it isn't my intent, people often look when I'm doing this b/c it sounds as though I am typing at lightning speed. Yeah....it's bad.
Compulsion #2: Shaving
This one isn't nearly as big, but I was talking to my mom about it today and she brought up how odd it was. I hate shaving my legs. It's just annoying and time-consuming. However, I have an even greater despise for feeling my legs when they are stubbly. If I have gone more than a few days without shaving, and my legs brush together in bed, I CANNOT sleep. I either must put on full length PJ pants or immediately get up and shave my legs. It drives me insane.
That's it for now, since those are the ones that were discussed today. I know there are many more. I'll attempt to document them as my come to my attention.
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